The Loop

Have you ever caught yourself saying or doing something and thought, "I sound just like my mother" or "I'm turning into my father"? That moment of recognition can be jarring. As the old saying goes, "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree." We often hate this phrase because it reminds us how much we're like our parents—and then God gives us children who mirror our behavior right back to us. Yikes!

The Fruit on Your Family Tree

The reality is that we all have fruit growing on our family trees. Some of this fruit is healthy, representing positive traits and behaviors we've inherited. But some of it is bruised or rotten, representing unhealthy patterns passed down through generations.

"There is a fruit that is growing on your tree. And when that fruit drops to the ground, the people around you pick them up and eat it. And they're eating of your fruit on a regular basis, you're eating of their fruit on a regular basis, and it's impacting us."

These patterns don't emerge from nowhere. Below the surface, there are driving forces:

Fear → leads to → Sin and Unhealthy Behaviors

But what drives that fear? Last week, we looked at Genesis 2:25, which tells us Adam and Eve "were naked and had no shame." After sin entered the picture, they ran and hid, covering themselves with fig leaves. This reveals the true driver:

Shame → leads to → Fear → leads to → Sin and Unhealthy Behaviors

This creates what we call a shame cycle. We return to the very behaviors that caused our shame in the first place, perpetuating the cycle.

Wounds That Shape Us

Our unhealthy patterns come from two sources:

1. Our wounds - choices we've made that we're ashamed of.
2. Wounds from others – and this week we looked specifically at Parental Wounds.

As John Mayer asks in his song "In the Blood": "How much of my mother has my mother left in me? How much of my love will be insane to some degree? And what about this feeling that I'm never good enough? Will it wash out in the water or is it always in the blood?"

The Biblical Perspective on Generational Patterns

The Bible acknowledges these generational patterns. For instance in Numbers 14:18 we read "The Lord is slow to anger, abounding in love and forgiving sin and rebellion, yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished. He punishes the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation."

This raises a natural question: Am I suffering because of the choices my parents made? The answer is yes, to varying degrees. But that doesn't mean we're destined to repeat their patterns forever.

Abraham and Isaac: A Case Study in Generational Patterns

The Bible gives us a powerful example of generational patterns in Abraham and Isaac. In Genesis 12, Abraham (then called Abram) travels to Egypt and fears for his life because of his beautiful wife. His solution? Lie and say she's his sister, effectively offering her to Pharaoh to save himself.

"When the Egyptians see you, they will say, 'This is his wife.' Then they will kill me, but will let you live. Say you are my sister, so that I will be treated well for your sake and my life will be spared because of you." (Genesis 12:12-13)

What's fascinating is that years later, his son Isaac does the exact same thing:

"When the men of that place asked him about his wife Rebekah, he said, 'She is my sister,' because he was afraid to say, 'She is my wife.' He thought, 'The men of this place might kill me on account of Rebekah, because she is beautiful.'" (Genesis 26:7)

The apple didn't fall far from the tree, did it? 

Breaking Free: Are We Destined to Repeat Our Parents' Patterns?

The good news is that God addresses this very question in Ezekiel 18. The Israelites were saying, "Why are we eating sour grapes that our parents have planted?" They felt they were suffering unfairly for their parents' sins.

God's response is clear: "The one who sins is the one who will die. The child will not share the guilt of the parent, nor will the parent share the guilt of the child. The righteousness of the righteous will be credited to them, and the wickedness of the wicked will be charged against them." (Ezekiel 18:20)

We each have a choice. We are not destined to become just like our parents. Jesus offers complete freedom and healing to everyone.

How to Grow Different Fruit on Your Tree

So how do we break these cycles? Here are four practical steps:

1. SEE IT

"The first thing you have to do as you're looking back over your life is you have to see it. You got to look at it. You can't get a different fruit growing on your tree if you can't actually acknowledge that it's there."

Take out a piece of paper and draw a timeline. Go back as far as you can remember—3, 5, 7 years old. What stories come to mind? When you tell those stories, what emotions arise? Write down both the good and the bad.

2. GRIEVE IT

"Grieving is the answer... It's the beginning of healing. I can't grieve what I can't say existed."

You need to acknowledge what happened, that it hurt, and that it's created patterns in your life. Find a trusted person—a spouse, counselor, or friend with spiritual wisdom—who can listen without condemning your parents or sharing inappropriately.

3. FORGIVE IT OR MULTIPLY IT

For the harmful patterns: forgive. For the good ones: multiply.

Jesus said, "For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." (Matthew 6:14-15)

4. LOOK FOR IT

"You need a new family. You need somebody else to teach you."

When Jesus built the church, it was meant to be a new family where we could learn healthier patterns. As Paul writes in Titus, older women should teach younger women, and younger men should treat older men as fathers.

Join a small group, attend retreats, participate in church programs like Rooted. Find a community that can teach you the skills you don't already have.

Putting It Into Practice

Breaking generational patterns isn't easy, but it's possible with God's help. Here are some practical next steps:

1. Start your timeline this week. Set aside 30 minutes to begin documenting your family stories and patterns.
2. Share with someone you trust. Choose one person to talk with about what you've discovered.
3. Identify one pattern to work on. Pick just one unhealthy pattern you've noticed and focus on changing it.
4. Join a community. If you're not already connected, find a small group or ministry where you can learn new, healthier patterns.
5. Pray daily. Ask God to reveal areas where you need healing and to give you the courage to change.

Remember, you are not destined to repeat your parents' mistakes. As Dallas Willard wisely noted, we're all sufficiently broken that none of us can claim we earned our salvation. But through Christ, we can break cycles of unhealthy behavior and grow new fruit on our family trees.

The apple may not fall far from the tree naturally, but with God's help, we can plant it in new soil and grow something beautiful.

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