The Loop

Have you ever felt stuck in a frustrating pattern with your spouse? You're not getting what you need, so you withhold what they need, creating an endless loop of disappointment. This "crazy cycle," as relationship expert Emerson Eggerichs calls it, is all too common in marriages today. Last week, we explored how husbands are called to love their wives. Today, I want to address the other side of this divine equation.

The Foundation of Mutual Submission

Everything we discuss about marriage must be rooted in Ephesians 5:1-2: "Follow God's example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." This sacrificial love is our model for all relationships, especially marriage.

The core principle comes from Ephesians 5:33, where Paul writes, "Each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." This isn't suggesting that men don't need love or women don't need respect. Rather, it reveals that at their core, a woman's love language is love, and a man's love language is respect.

God's Original Design

In Genesis 2, we see God's perfect design for marriage before sin entered the picture. God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him" (Genesis 2:18). This Hebrew phrase "ezer kenegdo" (helper suitable) doesn't imply inferiority – in fact, the same word "ezer" is often used in Scripture to describe God Himself!

As Psalm 33:20 tells us, "We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield." When God created Eve, He didn't take a bone from Adam's foot (placing her beneath him) or from his head (placing her above him), but from his side – to stand beside him as an equal partner with complementary strengths.

What Submission Is Not

When Paul calls wives to "submit to your husbands as to the Lord" in Ephesians 5:22-24, many misunderstand what this means. Let me clarify what submission is not:

1. Submission is not coercion or blind obedience, but a voluntary, Spirit-led posture rooted in honor for Christ.
2. Submission does not mean the wife cannot speak, have influence, or contribute.
3. Submission does not mean allowing or accepting evil – your primary submission is to Christ.
4. Submission is not about domination or control, either passive or aggressive.

What Submission Actually Looks Like

True submission is mutually expressed through humility, servanthood, respect, love, prayer, unity, deference, and sacrifice. It's about creating an environment where both spouses can flourish.

When a wife respects her husband, she wields incredible power. As I often tell women, "You have the power to build him up or tear him down like nobody else. You can encourage him. You can make him feel confident to take on any number I challenges in front of him. Your words might be the thing that makes the difference!”

Breaking the Cycle

Someone has to break the crazy cycle. Either the husband says, "I'll love you even if you don't respect me," or the wife says, "I'll respect you even if you don't love me." While I generally encourage husbands to go first, wives married to unbelieving husbands have special guidance in 1 Peter 3:1, which encourages them to win their husbands "by their behavior" rather than words.

Life Application: Cultivating Respect

Ask yourself these questions to cultivate a respectful attitude in your marriage:

1. Examine Your Words: Am I using my words, behavior, and attitudes to bless and support or to undermine and disrespect?
2. Consider Your Response: When my husband makes mistakes, do I respond with grace or criticism?
3. Seek Understanding: Instead of nagging, how can I communicate my needs effectively?
4. Pray First: Before confronting issues, have I prayed for God's wisdom and my husband's heart?

Next Steps

If you're struggling in this area, I recommend reading "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerichs or attending a Weekend to Remember marriage conference (www.familylife.com). These resources can provide practical tools for breaking negative cycles in your relationship.

Remember, submission isn't about diminishing your voice or value – it's about honoring God's design for complementary roles in marriage. When both spouses commit to giving up themselves to serve each other's needs, you'll discover the beautiful marriage God intended.

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